I decided to write something different, but I didn’t know what so I am starting off with something catchy like Monday Memories as a title to see if anything will come. Let’s see if anything does …
Memories of Mondays and other days always confuse me and make me sad. Why can’t the good things remain good and why can’t the bad things never come again? Mondays make me think of a new start but that makes me think of the old, too.
Memories that I could forget are the painful ones. The ones that made me stop living for a while. The ones that made wish I could stop living forever. But I couldn’t. I had to go on. Not for me. For them. And inside of me, there was a teeny, tiny little voice that said I had to go on to prove that I could. To prove that I was the better person.
I wondered about that. If I am the better person, why is it that so many feel they can dump on me? There must be something wrong with me. There must be. There must be or others couldn’t walk all over me; couldn’t destroy me and leave me in a pile to be taken out with the trash.
But I kept on going. For them. For me. To prove to the others. To prove to me. To prove that there isn’t anything wrong with me. There isn’t. It was them. It was their insecurities that made them trash me. It wasn’t me. It was them.
Doctor D told me he agreed with me. He said throughout my life I have been used by others. Used as a vessel for other people’s happiness. He said it was time for me to claim my happiness.
One day, I will. One day.
i am guilty of living my life,, and attaining my happiness through others too.. and being alone,, with no prospect of a “personal portal through whom i can come to life” the past few years have been especially painful…
sometimes i think that is why i found this way to express myself… blogging has added a venue in which i can remain alive,, while i am alone… even if it is all virtual…
The doctor is right. You need to claim your happiness. You can do it without appearing selfish. But when you’re always the vessel for someone else’s happiness, of course, they will dump on you. You gave them that permission to do so!
Perhaps deep down, you don’t feel you deserve happiness? Perhaps by constantly proving you’re the “better person” you are setting yourself up for less than welcome consequences?
These are good questions. I’ve been there before.
This made me sad, because I feel this way sometimes, too. Maybe we all do? It’s hard to keep making the right choices when others seem to keep taking advantage. Nevertheless, you will choose to claim your happiness. You’ll know when you’re ready.
The only person we have control over is ourselves. We can be as happy as we choose to be. You’re not responsible for anyone else’s happiness–you can love them, you can hold out a hand to help keep them from falling, you can support their dreams, but you can’t make them happy. That’s their job, their choice. Making you happy is yours.
Unfortunately, the people that started this pattern did so when I was about three years old, too early to give permission for them to do this to me. Once this happens it keeps repeating. That’s the pattern. All my life I thought it was me, that there was something wrong with me. It has only been in the past few years that I have done the research and learned that it is a pattern. Once a person is victimized for the first time, it will repeat.
Now I see it and I can, hopefully, put a stop to it. Now after a lot of damage has been done.
((Scout)) As the song says, “What are you waiting for?” It’s time to claim the happiness you so richly deserve.
Yup, Shawn. It’s way past time!